Melanie does the master cleanse

January 9, 2008

My experience with the master cleanse, from the words of a girl who likes poop jokes.

Filed under: master cleanse,Uncategorized — mellsbellssupertramp @ 6:07 am
Tags: , ,

DAY 1
January 8th, 2008 Tuesday

My day started off late.  I went to bed last night with a belly full of gas from the pizza I ate for dinner.  One last hooray before “cleanse camp.”  This morning I woke up around 1030 AM and had my lemonade concoction prepared by 1130 AM.  I took my first sip and thought “this actually tastes good!”  Oops, can’t forget to take the laxative tea first.  So I boiled the water and prepared the tea.  My stomach was growling badly and I was feeling mega hunger pains at this point.  The laxative tea tastes like drinking dirty shoe water, but tolerable.  When I ask for words of wisdom from past cleanse participants most everyone said I’d be shitting my pants all day long.  I was surprised to not have one foul bowel movement all day!  Kinda bummed out, is that weird?  I guess I more or less am worried that tomorrow at work while I’m serving people samples of food I’ll feel a little rumble down below and have no time to make it to the bathroom.  Is shitting your pants a legit fear to have as an adult?  I opted to omit the saltwater flush in the mornings from my routine.  Again, the majority voted “neh!!” to the saltwater flush, explaining that “the tea is not as bad as the saltwater…if you do the saltwater, you do not need to do the tea…and if you do the saltwater, do not plan to leave the house for about 1 hour…or until you shit your brains out.”  That’s all I needed to read to know ex-nay on the salt water.  :)  I was also given the golden secret, “If you feel you have to fart. DON’T!!!! You’ll shit your pants.”  That makes me laugh out loud when I read it back!  Being a gassy girl such as myself I feel I can differentiate between what feels to be a fart and what will turn into a splatter paint exhibit, but I’m not taking any risks with hippie dippie laxative tea running through my veins.  :)  I’m also a very good pooper, meaning, I have two to three bowel movements a day, so that may explain why I haven’t had any explosions all day.  Maybe I’m already all flushed out?  Does that mean I can stop the cleanse and go get a Tommy Burger?  NO, I know I know, stick to my guns, finish what I started, get excited to shit my brains out!  So today was my day off from work and I was waiting for the ass attack, and I got nothing.  What I did feel was a lot of hunger pains.  So as soon as I got hungry I went back to the kitchen and created more potion.  It took me 45 minutes to cut up and squeeze lemons to make a jug full.  (How much is a jug full you ask, pfff, uh, maybe 40 oz?)  I squeeze some lemon, I pour some maple syrup, and sprinkle some cayenne pepper, add water, shake the bottle and drink.  By the end of the day I no longer measured tablespoons of ingredients, I just went for it.  I even added extra dashes of cayenne pepper because I’m that good.  My favorite part of the “cooking” process was licking the spoon.  No no, not the cayenne pepper spoon!  The pure Grade A dark amber organic maple syrup spoon.  I don’t think I’ve EVER tasted real maple syrup before.  The taste was sensational!  So what’s Aunt Jamima then? 

It is now 9:37 PM and I CAN’T BELIEVE I made it an entire day without eating food!  I may be a buck 15 but I still love to chow down.  I went to the grocery store to pick up some more lemons, and while I was driving I noticed food places that I have never seen before.  Like my subconscious mind was forcing my eyeballs to hunt down food, even things I don’t even like.  I drove passed an Armenian (or maybe it was Thai) hole-in-the-wall place and was zoned in.  Then I would quickly lose the temptation.  Then a donut shop, “No, that wouldn’t satisfy you Melanie.”  Even the sign at Blockbuster for the Simpson‘s movie made me hungry.  All I wanted all day was a big bowl of spaghetti with meat sauce and some yummy garlic bread.  You should see me right now, my eyes are a little hazy and I have a stupid grin on my face.  SNAP OUT OF IT!  It’s not like I won’t ever have food again, so I must continue this journey.  Day 1 has come to an end.  To sum up the day: I had no nasty explosive poo attacks, although I did have my regular morning shit which was thick and hearty.  I drank about five or six 16 oz glasses of the “lemonade.” (I hope that’s enough?)  I had small cramping due to hunger but it was tolerable.  And I didn’t have to clean any dishes!  :) 

————————————————————————————————————————

DAY2

Let me begin by saying I was not planning on continuing the cleanse today, and I was coming up with all sorts of reasons, not excuses, to defend myself.  Let’s just say the laxative tea finally caught up with me and I didn’t have such a pleasant evening after 10 PM.  I will fill you in on the details later; for now I must keep you hanging in suspense because it’s time for work!  I’m still starving, by the way.  That feeling stays with you 24 hours of the day.  …. 

Alright, I’m back, writing to you at noon on day three.  I successfully survived my first day of the cleanse without eating a scrap of food or feeling like killing someone…well that is until the evening arrived.  Around 10ish PM I drank the laxative tea, deciding I’d stay up for a couple more hours to let it do it’s job.  I began to feel the motion in the ocean soon after.  It was combined with starvation pains and nausea.  I don’t do nausea.  I’ve dealt with hospitalizing stomach pains before from allergies with food, but nothing compares to that indescribable feeling of being nauseous.  Since I knew it was just the old hardened shit in my colon trying to break free, I decided to roll with the pain.  For the nausea I ate some crackers.  DON’T JUDGE ME!  That little bit of food doesn’t make me a failure.  This isn’t a pain game, or is it?  Is this some secret operation hippies partake in to feel the pain and suffering of those third world country babies with the flies on their mouths?  It’s like a secret club, like Mensa, that only the elite can survive, but then what?  What happens in these clubs behind closed doors?  So you get to say, “Yeah, I did the master cleanse for two weeks,” and then you go back to eating like us normal human beings and nothing changes.  But see, I thought things did, and I wanted so much to have the novelty of being able to say, “Yeah, I did the master cleanse” nonchalantly but with absolute pride.  

I eventually fell asleep on Day 1 with a scowl on my face and thinking I was quitting the cleanse the very next day.  I wasn’t a fan of the pain I was feeling in the late evening.  If I was actually shitting out my nasty insides then I’d feel thrilled and excited to fight through the pain, but all it was was a long brew fest.  Then again, it was only day one; guess I was being impatient.  I woke up on Day 2 ready to take on the feces demons once again.

So Day 2 began around tenish again.  I have been sleeping a lot lately.  I think it’s because I have a cold that’s been lingering since after Thanksgiving.  Or maybe I’m depressed and I just don’t even know it!?  I haven’t felt like doing the things I love in a long while.. Oh, but that’s just because I’m lazy.  :)  I drank 32 oz of lemonade by the time 230 PM rolled around.  I was feeling great!  They say you’ll have lots of energy during the cleanse.  I definitely didn’t feel sluggish.  I was peppy and in a great mood.  So I dabbed a little makeup on and jetted off to work.  I work at Trader Joe’s, and on Wednesdays and Thursdays I serve our zero-mannered customers free samples of food and fresh coffee.  YOU MEAN I HAVE TO LOOK AT FOOD ALL DAY LONG AND NOT HAVE A SMIDGEN OF IT!?  And it was spinach sour cream dip on toasted baguette.  Come on!  But I didn’t take any.  :)  I know, I’m proud of me too.  Any time I felt hungry I drank a little sample size cup of my lemonade savior.  The hours went by smoothly.  Although I was in a constant hunger battle I was winning.  Then around 5 PM it hit me!  Why am I doing this cleanse?  I’m telling you, it wasn’t because I couldn’t hold out a couple more days, or because I was “soooooo” hungry, I just knew it wasn’t for me.  And just like that it ended.  The pain I was feeling, the constant reminder that I’m empty inside, wasn’t equating to “You’re doing a good thing Melanie.  Keep it up!”  It just felt like I was starving myself.  I didn’t have my heart in it, (and the poopy wasn’t coming out fast enough for my liking.)  I began to question if it’s a legit detoxifying method and if the three ingredients really had enough nutrients to “survive” on, or was I a true anorexic?  So yeah my belly looked all cute and slender, but I wasn’t adjusting to supermodel status that easily.  The funny thing is I didn’t really worry about what people would think, you know, “quitting” the cleanse after only a day and a half.  Fuck ‘em!  Oh, but then I did, no, not fuck them, some of them would be nice.  I told one friend and she flashed her members only eyes at me and they burned right through my empty belly.  So my initial reaction was to snap back at her.  Eventually she made me feel better by saying that she still loved me.  Good to know Cleanse masters don’t kick dirt in the eye of the quitters.  (I wonder what happens if you quit Scientology?)  Then I moved on to friend #2 and he said he knew I wouldn’t be able to do it.  Uhh!  Well now that’s just rude.  Fine if you want to think it but no need to criticize me to my face.  Plus, he barely knows me, we are coworkers and “friends,” so what part of me says “I’m a quitter”?  Now I stand true to my beliefs that I could have completed my mission; I chose not to.  But fine, call me a quitter, I really don’t care.  Now it was time to tell the guru master of all master cleansers, a 30 day participant, that I have ended my time here in hippie land.  He was on register so I could hit him with the news and get a vague judgement/response, which means nothing too harsh, which means my po’ lil’ feelings wouldn’t be hurt.  :)  He just smiled and shook his head.  I got a smile!  Later I asked for validation, God I’m pathetic, and of course, everybody still loves me.  I think it makes me more unique and in a classification all of my own being a one and a half day quitter.  I think the millions of successful master cleansers are jealous they don’t have what it take to quit like I did.  I have the balls to stand on my own and say, “Fuck this, I already shit two times a day, I eat organic raw veggies every day, I hit the gym, I do yoga, I hike, and I love sex (ok, that’s a little off topic, I’m just horny right now), I don’t need no stinking cleanse!”  Maybe I’ll just get a colonic.  It’s like a cleanse, but manual.  Stick a tube up my ass, squirt some saline, and suck out my insides.  Yuck, who has that as a career?  Freaky feces fetish people.  Say that three times quickly.   

So now I have made the decision to end the cleanse and it’s lunch time at work.  You’ll be pleased to know I took it easy with a vegetable broth and some bread.  Later on in the day I ate some homemade nachos from my buddies’ mom’s restaurant.  Oh, bad idea!  Fuck the master cleanse, the Mexicans know how to make you shit your brains out.  And then I went out for a beer.  Woke up today back to my normal self- buddha belly and gassy.  What did I do with my extra pre-mixed potion?  I had a ceremonial dumping in the Trader Joe’s parking lot.  And I plan on returning the water bottles to Rite Aide.  No I’m not that cheap, I just don’t want any reminders of the cleanse lingering around my apartment.  Anybody need $7 worth of organic lemons?  Maybe I’ll keep the maple syrup, just so I can lick the spoon.   

My regrets:

They say you’ll feel brand new.  That you’ll feel the toxins existing through your skin.  I wanted to feel that sensation.  I also wanted to successfully go from brown shardy shit out my ass to a lovely waterfall of crystal blue delight.  You know, cause then you kinda know you have completed your mission and the body is detoxified.  Or so they say.  (I have to put that in because I’m a quitter.)  That’s it, no more regrets.  Usually I’d beat myself up over something I didn’t complete, like a painting or a book, but like those things, the cleanse wasn’t in my heart.  

So now I must find something new to take on.  Maybe my quest for an agent (that’s been a long time coming).  Or maybe I’ll create a series of paintings and have an exhibit.  Oooh, I know!  I’ll do one of those 10 day silence retreats.  Eh, maybe I should start with a weekend first.  If I ever do partake in that seriously dedicated “cooler than the cleanse” project I will definitely share the experience with you and wordpress.com.  Although a silent retreat, I don’t know if I’ll have much to write about.  :)

11 Comments »

  1. oh my god – i’m laughing my ass off at your commentary. you are hilarious. my favorite line: I had no nasty explosive poo attacks, although I did have my regular morning shit which was thick and hearty.

    Comment by laura — January 9, 2008 @ 3:04 pm | Reply

  2. I hope that you have decided to continue with the master cleanse because you are so funny. I am just finishing day 3 and I was feeling a little down but not any more:) “1outofmy2hole” – too bad that it’s too many letters to fit on a license plate. I also love licking the spoon – lately I’ve been acting like I lost count of how many spoonfuls I used just so I could lick it twice.

    aloha

    Comment by khameleon — January 10, 2008 @ 1:36 pm | Reply

  3. that is not fun! i don’t know how you do it – i couldn’t even skip ONE meal, let alone days!! you’re doing good! keep it up. but i’m sorry that you didn’t have a good evening after the tea. definitely sounds rough.

    Comment by laura — January 10, 2008 @ 6:15 pm | Reply

  4. I know you Mel. A “10 day silence retreats” would be harder for you than the master cleanse! Talking is part of you. It would make you depressed, because that is what makes Mel.

    Comment by Mark — January 17, 2008 @ 12:44 am | Reply

  5. You are absoloutly hilarious. i find ur writing stye very similar to mine. anyway, im on day 8 of my cleanse and for the first few days i was doing great. this is my second attemtp at doing the cleanse. the first time i quit after 2 days (thanx to auntie anne’s and those damn good pretzels) but this time im holding on. Lemme tell you, you can really feel all of the toxins and crap coming out of you. i also have a very regular pattern of pooping and i wasnt really going for the first 6 days. By day 7… i was keeled over on my moms bed crying like a baby. it was like my body was saying “get this crap outta me!!”. i was drinking the tea (sumtimes 2 teabags at a time) but it just wouldnt make me go. so finally i decided to do the saltwater. it was awful but it did the trick. I took it at about 10 pm last night and i’ve been going ALL morning. I feel soo much better though and im looking great too. i encourage you to try again, the second time is easier ;-). thanx for your story, it really made me feel like i conquered a big thing, and i too shall soon be joining the elite, exclusive, Master cleansers.

    Comment by Gabrielle — April 29, 2008 @ 1:54 pm | Reply

  6. LMAO! Kudos for trying! I still love ya! =)

    Comment by Hana — August 2, 2008 @ 8:35 pm | Reply

  7. oh myyy
    tonight
    is my 2nd night
    and i feel like crap, its not helping me either having my entire family pushing food in my face and telling me what a bad idea this cleanse is. I mean i dont really crave food anymore but same as you I am having vivid dreams and now when I think bout it I cant pinpoint the details!! I feel like crap sorda though…. I have a feeling im not doing anything right… I did the salt water today anddd it worked… but the lemonade i didnt have enough and my mom broke the measuring cup so I donno how to measure and if I hear the words quart or pint again I will throw up NO JOKE. I am so tired of going over and over in my mind how it should be divided to make 32 ounces… Its good I had a stomache cramp and ran to the bathroom before I drank the rest of that salt water this morning because I had double…maybe triple the ammount I was supposed to have. I wouldve drinked it by insulting the salt water and telling it that i wouldnt let it overpower me and that its just liquid. But thank god I didnt. Also Im happy that happened this morning because it led me to now be cocky or feel powered to not be defeated by this lemonade. I accidently put my extra salt water from this morning into the lemonade and I made a gallons worth so I was drinking that because I didnt have any maple syrup left.. or lemons. II believe I almost threw up =[
    It looks like i seriously have two black eyes...
    I mean I have the biggest bags ever!
    I think its from no food but I food its not
    I mean that would suck... Is anybody else feeling like me?? Crappy,,,Weak,,,Tired,,,???? Pleaseee say yes because thats wut I need to hear but be honest tooo haha Its weird because I think my body thinks that im going anorexic or whatever because I have a feeling im doing this all wrong
    or maybe it was just today with the lemonade deficiency. But for the good news,, Ive lost weight and when I suck in..I have my dream body
    haha
    I just hope this is all expected on the 2nd day
    and the other days get easier
    SPECIALLY that salt water
    its absolutely terrible
    whats really weird though is that after drinking my lemonade TOO late... [i woke up at 1 and i was busy till 6, thats when I started drinking =/ i had one serving at like 2 though and I had 5 more at 6 oclock but thats it [[see I left one serving out plus I didnt drink that entire disgusting mess]]] but ya its weird cuz after drinking all that gross lemonade and salt water,,, i had a drink of water and it tasted like heaven! hahah
    I was like YUMM REALL FOOOODD
    [sorda...]
    Please comment back!

    Comment by mercedeh — August 13, 2008 @ 8:58 am | Reply

  8. Really great stuff. Very funny. I just finished my 10th day it takes a lot but you really do feel great at the end. First two days suck. Thanks for the laughs.

    Comment by Kaya — March 13, 2009 @ 4:11 pm | Reply

    • thanks for the kind words. yah you know i re-read my cleanse journal and i laughed out loud. either that means i’m a good writer or i like my own stuff! haha. congrats on finishing the cleanse. cheers, MEL

      Comment by melrashbaum — August 18, 2009 @ 9:48 pm | Reply

  9. You’ve got to Lek about this experience. I was dying laughing only because i too did the MC for about 1.5 days.

    Comment by peanutsmom — January 6, 2010 @ 9:22 pm | Reply

  10. Hilarious!!! Thanks for sharing the comedy!

    Comment by Mel — May 24, 2012 @ 6:51 pm | Reply


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